What the Hell am I doing?

I can't figure out how the hell I got into my business. Which is the Military... I can't remember what I was like before I joined. Seems like I have been re-programed or maybe deep down I wanted to forget it. I can't say that I was ever a popular person, honestly, popularity didn't appeal to me. The gaggle fuck of moronic people, bragging about how much alcohol consumed and drugs taken. Defending a reputation on a social hierarchy that had no place outside the little world of highschool. Sick, Sad, little world that I was more than happy to leave. A town that I needed to get the hell out of and see what the world was like.

What I can remember of myself before the military, is having an artistic ability that I modestly developed. I never wanted to sell my art or use it for popularity, just liked doing it. I still have my friends from home who are true friends, my military brothers and sisters (also true friends), and my family. I remember being a stick figure throughout most of highschool... okay, all of highschool. Easily intimidated and easy to scare, you could have looked at me the wrong way and I would've scattered... same for dealing with women. I had girls that I would have like to asked out on a date or something, but I didn't have the courage to do it. I Suppose you could say I was a coward. Cowards did one of two things, they either passed unnoticed like shadow or broke out of their shells. I was a shadow of sorts and I hated being one.

So senior year rolls around and its time to make a decision... what to do? College? Not on my grades and scholarships were way out of the question. I have to imagine what I would have been like in college. Shy, timid, indecisive, a guy with no balls and all brains... sounds like a nerd or scientist. Both I hope that I am not. So I had an idea in my head that would change me in so many ways. Good and bad, I wouldn't change it for the world. I joined the Navy. I met great people in the navy, people I still talk to and hang out with. Also met some real morons and assholes too. Ohh well... not everyone in life is going to like you and I sure as hell won't apologize for being who I am.

So who am I? What did the military do that made me who I am today? Firstly I should say Confidence, not arrogant or conceded, but comfortable with me. Confidence in my job, my relations and leading the way when I must. I would have to say the second is Honor. Never truly understood the meaning, until your put in situations where your character is questioned, as is your moral integrity. I don't think I could ever Lie ever again, used to, but it just never seemed to get me anywhere. At one point it hurt someone, damaging their reputation and feelings. Going back to what I said about Integrity and Honor... I made a phone to a girl I know, I apologized, begging for her forgiveness and to excuse me for my stupidity in my youth. Honesty was pouring out, i never felt so much guilt, but I was forgiven. At that point I felt a huge burden was lifted, like a new man, that I could move on. From that, I do see this gal and she is a one in a million. As the list might go on... third thing was keeping your word. Plain and simple, if I say something I mean it, If I promise something, I do it. Obviously I like to mess around and that you can tell, but I have always been there for my friends and family to best of my means available. The realism of the situation dictates what help I can offer. But sometimes, just saying something is enough to show your support. The list goes on and on... but fundamentally speaking I have changed in ways that I never thought possible.

How you can tell... I walk upright and without any slouching. I talk casually and softly, but have been known to raise my voice. I would now stand toe to toe with a guy twice my size in someone's defense... even knowing that there was no way I could kick this guy's ass even with a baseball bat. I don't mind bars, pubs, or social settings... broken the shell there. I suppose I have a worldly view of things having seen much of it and I take pride in what I do and how I live.